Domestic Violence At The Galactapuss Household?

[galactapuss]

No, just another (for us) normal day.

Watching 'Cops' on TV. Domestic violence call. Some lady says her husband wants to kill self, but yelling at her to grab the knife, so her fingerprints will be on it, making it look like she killed him. Carol's in the other room, reading a book, feet propped up on the table. She knows what i'm watching because she watched an earlier sequence where a police dog was chewing on some guy's arm. I calmly get up, go to the spice rack, get the salt shaker, walk over to her, and sprinkle a bit on her leg. I put the shaker back, then got a knife from the utensil drawer, went to the fridge, got the tub of butter out, cut a small sliver of butter, put the tub back, sliver on my finger, knife in sink. Walked over to her, rubbed the sliver of butter into her leg. She's been looking at me quizzically, because she doesn't know what i'm doing, even though it's not the strangest thing i've ever done.

She looks at me and says 'Okay, why?'

And I say 'There. Now i've...'

[Prime]

........ Evil. You should be arrested for things like that.

[galactapuss]

What, bad puns?

[Prime]

Very.

[galactapuss]

So Prime's got it. Anyone else?

[carcinos]

Highlight for answer:

Assalt and buttery?

[dreamer]

You should have just told her to go back to the kitchen, where she belongs, and to make you a sandwich. That would have been more entertaining. This isnt even remotely as amusing as the butter-lube story.

[galactapuss]

Carcinos: Pretty much. Slightly different phrasing, but yeah, that's it.

Dreamer: Keeping in mind that she controls 100% of the world's boob supply, i'm inclined to say no. (www.pvponline.com/comics/pvp20001024.gif)

In real terms, I don't know what she'd do because both she and I know that sort of thing wouldn't fly with her. I suppose the most confusing thing (for me) that she could do would be to actually do it, but I don't think she would.

[dreamer]

XD She'd get angry even if you were joking around?

[galactapuss]

It depends on the tone. If I sounded like I really meant it, I don't know how she'd react because she knows I wouldn't say something like that. If I didn't sound like I meant it, then she still wouldn't know why I said it and...I still don't know how she'd react. Both Carol and Corinne know me well enough that it's really hard for me to 'put one over' on them.

Corrine, though she doesn't know to call it that, has a great deal of experience dealing with me using vacuous truths. (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vacuous_truth)

[dreamer]

You'll never know until you find out. Do you really need to know how she's going to react before you do something totally random?

[galactapuss]

Example 1: Give her flowers for no reason.

Ok, fine, she'll say thank you or i'll get a kiss or something.

Example 2: Tell her 'gee, honey, that dress really makes you look fat.'

Not fine- either she'll be angry or i'll have genuinely hurt her or something.

There are many different flavors of randomness. I'm pretty strongly dis-inclined to try anything that lowers my chances of access to cooked food, wife in a good mood, or a stable marriage. Corinne suggests the 'get in the kitchen where you belong and make me a sandwich' bit might be met with physical violence, although I think she's exaggerating. But maybe not. The point is, in that scenario, there's no probable good outcome, so there's no point in trying it in the first place.